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West
Point Jany
3d 1830.
[[1831]]
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Sir,
I suppose (altho’ you desire no further
communication with yourself on my part,) that your restriction does not
extend to my answering your final letter.
Did I, when an infant, sollicit [[sic]] your charity
and protection, or was it of your own free will, that you volunteered
your services in my behalf? It is well known to respectable individuals
in Baltimore, and elsewhere, that my Grandfather (my natural protector
at the time you interposed) was wealthy, and that I was his favourite
grand-child — But the promises of adoption, and liberal education which
you held forth to him in a letter which is now in possession of my
family, induced him to resign all care of me into your hands. Under
such circumstances, can it be said that I have no right to expect any
thing at your hands? You may probably urge that you have given me a
liberal education. I will leave the decision of that question to those
who know how far liberal educations can be obtained in 8 months at the
University of Va. Here you will say that it was my own fault that I did
not return — You would not let me return because bills were presented
you for payment which I never wished nor desired you to pay. Had you
let me return, my reformation had been sure — as my conduct the last 3
months gave every reason to believe — and you would never have heard
more of my extravagances. But I am not about to proclaim myself guilty
of all that has been alledged against me, and which I have hitherto
endured, simply because I was too proud to reply. I will boldly say
that it was wholly and entirely your own mistaken parsimony that caused
all the difficulties in which I was involved while at Charlottsville [[sic]]. The expences of the
institution at the lowest estimate were $350
per annum. You sent me there with $110. Of this $50 were to be paid
immediately for board — $60 for attendance upon 2 professors — and you
even then did not miss the opportunity of abusing me because I did not
attend 3. Then $15 more were to be paid for room-rent — remember that
all this was to be paid in advance,
with $110. — $12 more for a bed —
and $12 more for room furniture. I had, of course, the mortification [page 2:] of
running in debt for public property — against the known
rules of the institution, and was immediately regarded in the light of
a beggar. You will remember that in a week after my arrival, I wrote to
you for some more money, and for books — You replied in terms of the
utmost abuse —
if I had been the vilest wretch on earth you could not have been more
abusive than you were because I could not contrive to pay $150 with
$110. I had enclosed to you in my letter (according to your express
commands) an account of the expences incurred amounting to $149 — the
balance to be paid was $39 — You enclosed me $40, leaving me one dollar
in pocket. In a short time afterwards I received a packet of books
consisting of, Gil Blas, and the Cambridge Mathematics in 2 vols: books
>>for<< which I had no earthly use since I had no means of
attending the mathematical lectures. But books must be had, If I
intended to remain at the institution — and they were bought
accordingly upon credit. In
this manner debts were accumulated, and
money borrowed of Jews in Charlottesville at extravagant interest — for
I was obliged to hire a servant, to pay for wood, for washing, and a
thousand other necessaries. It was then that I became dissolute, for
how could it be otherwise? I could associate with no students, except
those who were in a similar situation with myself — altho’ from
different causes — They from drunkenness, and extravagance — I, because
it was my crime to have no one on Earth who cared for me, or loved me.
I call God to witness that I have never loved dissipation — Those who
know me know that my pursuits and habits are very far from any thing of
the kind. But I was drawn into it by my companions[.] Even their
professions of friendship — hollow as they were — were a relief.
Towards the close of the session you sent me $100 — but it was too late
— to be of any service in extricating me from my difficulties — I kept
it for some time — thinking that if I could obtain more I could yet
retrieve my character — I applied to James Galt — but he, I believe,
from the best of motives refused to lend me any — I then became
desperate, and gambled — until I finally i[n]volved myself
irretrievably. If I have been to blame in all this — place yourself in
my situation, and tell me if you would not have been [page 3:] equally
so. But these circumstances were all unknown to my friends when I
returned home — They knew that I had been extravagant — but that was
all — I had no hope of returning to Charlottesville, and I waited in
vain in expectation that you would, at least, obtain me some
employment. I saw no prospect of this — and I could endure it no
longer. — Every day threatened with a warrant &c. I left home — and
after nearly 2 years conduct with which no fault could be found — in
the army, as a common soldier — I earned,
myself, by the most
humiliating privations — a Cadets’ warrant which you could have
obtained at any time for asking. It was then that I thought I might
venture to sollicit [[sic]]
your assistance in giving me an outfit — I
came home, you will remember, the night after the burial — If she had
not have died while I was away there would have been nothing for me to
regret — Your love I never
valued — but she I believed loved me as her
own child. You promised me to forgive all — but you soon forgot your
promise. You sent me to W. Point like a beggar. The same difficulties
are threatening me as before at Charlottesville — and I must resign.
As to your injunction not to trouble you with
farther communication rest assured, Sir, that I will most religiously
observe it. When I parted from you — at the steam-boat, I knew that I
should nev[er] see you again.
As regards Sergt. Graves — I did write him that
letter. As to the truth of its contents, I leave it to God, and your
own conscience. — The time in which I wrote it was within a half hour
after you had embittered every feeling of my heart against you by your
abuse of my family, and
myself, under your own roof — and at a time
when you knew that my heart was almost breaking.
I have no more to say — except that my future life
(which thank God will not endure long) must be passed in indigence and
sickness. I have no energy left, nor health. If it was possible, to put
up with the fatigues of this place, and the inconveniences which my
absolute want of necessaries subject me to, and [page 4:] as I mentioned
before it is my intention to resign. For this end it will be necessary
that you (as my nominal guardian) enclose me your written permission.
It will be useless to refuse me this last request — for I can leave the
place without any permission — your refusal would only deprive me of
the little pay which is now due as mileage.
[[space reserved
for address]]
From the time of writing this I shall neglect my
studies and duties at the institution — if I do not receive your answer
in 10 days — I will leave the point without — for otherwise I should
subject myself to dismission.
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